Tajamul Hussain
The big onion crisis
'Onion diplomacy' has succeeded where bus and cricket failed miserably
Coating their bitterness in sweet sarcasm, sky-high onion prices have invited punchy poems, droll sent-outs of SMSs and of course smartly worded spoofs on FM. A torrent of water-cooler gossips would fill the columns about dacoits who choose to loot onion godowns over banks and bridegrooms who demand the bulb in dowry.
Vegetables becoming a status symbol, funny sights unfold themselves in marketplaces. Memsahibs given to carrying dinky LVs turned up at roadside stalls in SUVs and stilettos, filling transparent bags with a heavy load of greens. Netizens composed weird 'Chahiye thoda pyaz, thoda pyaz chahiye', only to be met with 'Kanda badnam hua minister tere liye.' Onion witticisms borrowed heavily from Bollywood lent a 2010 touch to Salim Javed's 'Deewar' dialogue, "Mere paas bangla hai, gaadi hai, Ferrari hai, tumhare paas kya hai?" followed by, "Mere paas das rupaye kilo kharida gaya godown bharke pyaz hai."
At Rs 80-90 a kilogram onions marched on the way to become a food of the ‘gods’ from a staple Indian culinary ingredient. Gone are the days when onions were given away as side dish accompaniment with kebabs. Salt was a potent political symbol used by Gandhi to galvanize India against the British Raj. The big-O crisis sent the Indian junta into a tizzy. Netas got an opportunity to crack shibboleths and raise hell.
CNN-IBN/NDTV reporters shifted bag and baggage to mandis to clandestinely film seedy hoarders spilling the beans. Onion would be ‘breaking news’. It made Sharad ‘Pawarless’. India (surprisingly imports of onions in the Kashmir valley from Pakistan however maintain prices sweet) is in a furore. A month ago it was the price of cabbage in Korea and now it’s onions in India. As a basic ingredient for many Indian dishes, the onion price rise created mass unrest, making the Indian nation weep. Sops in the form of loans keep on being offered by banks for buying onions. The great Indian leveller, the most egalitarian of vegetables – the onion is sought after by aam admi to Ambani. Every palate craves for it, unless you have renounced the world. Our kitchens whisper softly into its pink glistening skin …you complete me. The poor peasants’ meal is incomplete without a bite of the pungent bulb. It adds chutzpah, that crunchy zing to our meal. What with restaurants that scramble to erase chicken-dou-Pyaaza' from the menus and scribbling 'chicken-dou-taazaa' next to it. All the while was it time for the chickens to 'fly' again? The modest onion while bringing tears of the other kind – tears of frustration, the naughty little bulb has been playing truant… prefers the cool comfort of dark-dank godowns. Price rise raised a stink so strong that the government had to wake up and smell the onions.
Government has been tardy as usual, while the onion mafia would laugh all the way to the bank. Traders have been hoarding stockpiles of the smelly bulbs while the government is pottering around with ad hoc fixes. Thanks to an official missive, onions have ceased to be globetrotting veggies and will be homebound till mid-January.
Inflation-hit onions have been however taking on the role of the great Indian unifier with aplomb. For once there is no north-south divide. If dosa makers down south have bid adieu to the bulb, then Mughlai chefs in north are using bread crumbs to thicken their gravies. And it has given way to some unique dishes like the Mutton no pyaaza. As a sought after accessory, many BJP workers would use them as a fashion statement, wearing them as garlands. Mayawati made surreptitious enquiries about 3-tonnes onion garlands. But just when our kitchen austerity has nearly succeeded in bringing onion prices down to earth, the ubiquitous tomato is demanding its share of limelight. The tomato is on its way to becoming the new onion. A kilo of onions snuggling on a bed of tomatoes, wrapped in red and gold, is priceless! The humble onion has finally got its annual 15 minutes of fame, reaching the dizzying heights! As always, Twitter is abuzz... giving the layered veggy the credit it has finally earned. On Twitter, onions became a trending topic in India. With onions and other vegetables being discussed so much, twitter may (soon) open a section called 'TwitMandi'... where people can tweet and fill their stomachs... instantly.
'Onion diplomacy' has succeeded where bus and cricket failed miserably. Onions rush in where cricket fear to tread! Given the way onion prices have pole-vaulted... and left everyone in tears... India had to import (halal) onions from the 'land of the pure'... as an urgent measure. And with our friendly next door neighbour - Pakistan - sending us onions, 'Hyderabadi Dou Pyaaza' just got a whole new meaning. Kaho na pyaaz hai...Government also put a ban on exports. Wonder how onions are available for exports... but not for domestic consumption though. "Truth is stranger than fiction".
While 'Pyaaz' has a nice contemporary ring to it and is quite hard to find these days, it may soon be available at the goldsmiths' and will rival the diamonds and platinum... and not just the yellow metal. That is the difference between 'priceless' and 'valueless'. Whoever said: 'All that glitters is not gold'... doesn't know a thing about onions. It even has the power to reduce strapping adults to tears. And cheers. Lessons learnt: All that is worth more than gold... does not glitter.
And it is Pyaaz, Ishq aur Mohabbat... in that order. Onions even have the power to 'change' governments. The so-called "onion factor" also helped defeat the left-leaning, now defunct Janata Party in 1980 parliamentary elections when prices went up quickly. It was the single largest factor that brought the downfall of the BJP led Government in Rajasthan and Delhi in 1998. Onion is certainly an effective lever to topple governments. Can't say whether voters in Uncle Sam country eat onions or not. The government headed by 'Singh is King'... thinks of declaring a reward of a million bucks (in dollars silly) on Mr. Onion's head... and alert the Interpol.
While the real onions have already undergone the mandatory security/ quality checks and been cleared by the paper tiger and gang, auditions have already commenced. Full-on. Natural acting! No glycerine. Last heard: 'Fear Factor' may soon become 'Tear Factor'!
Now that onion prices were sky high, 'Onion-Gate’ will be following CWG-Gate, 2G-Gate, Radia-Gate, Raja-Gate, Chara-Gate or whatever you want to call it. For Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame leeks (vegetable that smells like onion) can disappoint and garlic break heart. But only onions make one cry. Any leeks leak on onions... the India edition?
The big onion crisis
'Onion diplomacy' has succeeded where bus and cricket failed miserably
Coating their bitterness in sweet sarcasm, sky-high onion prices have invited punchy poems, droll sent-outs of SMSs and of course smartly worded spoofs on FM. A torrent of water-cooler gossips would fill the columns about dacoits who choose to loot onion godowns over banks and bridegrooms who demand the bulb in dowry.
Vegetables becoming a status symbol, funny sights unfold themselves in marketplaces. Memsahibs given to carrying dinky LVs turned up at roadside stalls in SUVs and stilettos, filling transparent bags with a heavy load of greens. Netizens composed weird 'Chahiye thoda pyaz, thoda pyaz chahiye', only to be met with 'Kanda badnam hua minister tere liye.' Onion witticisms borrowed heavily from Bollywood lent a 2010 touch to Salim Javed's 'Deewar' dialogue, "Mere paas bangla hai, gaadi hai, Ferrari hai, tumhare paas kya hai?" followed by, "Mere paas das rupaye kilo kharida gaya godown bharke pyaz hai."
At Rs 80-90 a kilogram onions marched on the way to become a food of the ‘gods’ from a staple Indian culinary ingredient. Gone are the days when onions were given away as side dish accompaniment with kebabs. Salt was a potent political symbol used by Gandhi to galvanize India against the British Raj. The big-O crisis sent the Indian junta into a tizzy. Netas got an opportunity to crack shibboleths and raise hell.
CNN-IBN/NDTV reporters shifted bag and baggage to mandis to clandestinely film seedy hoarders spilling the beans. Onion would be ‘breaking news’. It made Sharad ‘Pawarless’. India (surprisingly imports of onions in the Kashmir valley from Pakistan however maintain prices sweet) is in a furore. A month ago it was the price of cabbage in Korea and now it’s onions in India. As a basic ingredient for many Indian dishes, the onion price rise created mass unrest, making the Indian nation weep. Sops in the form of loans keep on being offered by banks for buying onions. The great Indian leveller, the most egalitarian of vegetables – the onion is sought after by aam admi to Ambani. Every palate craves for it, unless you have renounced the world. Our kitchens whisper softly into its pink glistening skin …you complete me. The poor peasants’ meal is incomplete without a bite of the pungent bulb. It adds chutzpah, that crunchy zing to our meal. What with restaurants that scramble to erase chicken-dou-Pyaaza' from the menus and scribbling 'chicken-dou-taazaa' next to it. All the while was it time for the chickens to 'fly' again? The modest onion while bringing tears of the other kind – tears of frustration, the naughty little bulb has been playing truant… prefers the cool comfort of dark-dank godowns. Price rise raised a stink so strong that the government had to wake up and smell the onions.
Government has been tardy as usual, while the onion mafia would laugh all the way to the bank. Traders have been hoarding stockpiles of the smelly bulbs while the government is pottering around with ad hoc fixes. Thanks to an official missive, onions have ceased to be globetrotting veggies and will be homebound till mid-January.
Inflation-hit onions have been however taking on the role of the great Indian unifier with aplomb. For once there is no north-south divide. If dosa makers down south have bid adieu to the bulb, then Mughlai chefs in north are using bread crumbs to thicken their gravies. And it has given way to some unique dishes like the Mutton no pyaaza. As a sought after accessory, many BJP workers would use them as a fashion statement, wearing them as garlands. Mayawati made surreptitious enquiries about 3-tonnes onion garlands. But just when our kitchen austerity has nearly succeeded in bringing onion prices down to earth, the ubiquitous tomato is demanding its share of limelight. The tomato is on its way to becoming the new onion. A kilo of onions snuggling on a bed of tomatoes, wrapped in red and gold, is priceless! The humble onion has finally got its annual 15 minutes of fame, reaching the dizzying heights! As always, Twitter is abuzz... giving the layered veggy the credit it has finally earned. On Twitter, onions became a trending topic in India. With onions and other vegetables being discussed so much, twitter may (soon) open a section called 'TwitMandi'... where people can tweet and fill their stomachs... instantly.
'Onion diplomacy' has succeeded where bus and cricket failed miserably. Onions rush in where cricket fear to tread! Given the way onion prices have pole-vaulted... and left everyone in tears... India had to import (halal) onions from the 'land of the pure'... as an urgent measure. And with our friendly next door neighbour - Pakistan - sending us onions, 'Hyderabadi Dou Pyaaza' just got a whole new meaning. Kaho na pyaaz hai...Government also put a ban on exports. Wonder how onions are available for exports... but not for domestic consumption though. "Truth is stranger than fiction".
While 'Pyaaz' has a nice contemporary ring to it and is quite hard to find these days, it may soon be available at the goldsmiths' and will rival the diamonds and platinum... and not just the yellow metal. That is the difference between 'priceless' and 'valueless'. Whoever said: 'All that glitters is not gold'... doesn't know a thing about onions. It even has the power to reduce strapping adults to tears. And cheers. Lessons learnt: All that is worth more than gold... does not glitter.
And it is Pyaaz, Ishq aur Mohabbat... in that order. Onions even have the power to 'change' governments. The so-called "onion factor" also helped defeat the left-leaning, now defunct Janata Party in 1980 parliamentary elections when prices went up quickly. It was the single largest factor that brought the downfall of the BJP led Government in Rajasthan and Delhi in 1998. Onion is certainly an effective lever to topple governments. Can't say whether voters in Uncle Sam country eat onions or not. The government headed by 'Singh is King'... thinks of declaring a reward of a million bucks (in dollars silly) on Mr. Onion's head... and alert the Interpol.
While the real onions have already undergone the mandatory security/ quality checks and been cleared by the paper tiger and gang, auditions have already commenced. Full-on. Natural acting! No glycerine. Last heard: 'Fear Factor' may soon become 'Tear Factor'!
Now that onion prices were sky high, 'Onion-Gate’ will be following CWG-Gate, 2G-Gate, Radia-Gate, Raja-Gate, Chara-Gate or whatever you want to call it. For Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame leeks (vegetable that smells like onion) can disappoint and garlic break heart. But only onions make one cry. Any leeks leak on onions... the India edition?
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